How Many Times? A Look at Adolescence and Violence

I’m
getting really tired of school shootings.

You
know the latest headline about the school shooting in Washington? Well, it’s
gotten me thinking. I went to the guy’s Twitter page because one of the
articles that popped up when I searched for him was something along the lines
of “have you seen this guy’s Twitter feed? How could we ignore the
signs?!” or something similar… Anyway, I got to his Twitter feed, and
was scrolling along. Honestly? It didn’t seem like much was amiss. Sure, he had
some questionable posts about violence or otherwise unhappy feelings, but with
all due respect, isn’t that the nature of adolescence?

I
don’t mean to put this into any sort of joking or lighthearted manner, because
I’m the mom of two young kids and it scares the heck out of me that one day in
the not-too-distant-future I’ll be sending them to public school. I’m terrified
that we will be on the receiving end of the “there’s been a shooting at
your son’s school” call. I have no interest in hearing that. Ever. And
neither does any other parent. Maybe what scares me more is being the mom of a shooter. It’s a lose-lose situation if ever I find myself in it. 

I pray that I don’t.

When
I was in middle school, at the beginning of all things hormonal, I recall being
very interested in dark things — the color black, drawing roses intertwined
with knives, somewhat violent drawings of knives with blood on them — yikes,
I’m starting to sound like a much more delusional version of myself than I
really was. In any event, I specifically remember drawing a picture of a girl
with a tear drop with the words “do not ignore a cry for help” under
her. Why? Why would I draw such disturbing images? And more importantly, why
was I fascinated with them?

I
don’t have those answers. I was a kid. I wasn’t at all depressed, I didn’t need
emotional/suicidal help. I was 12 years, 13 years old. My world was changing at
a faster pace than I could keep up. I was completely consumed with ghost
stories, the idea of reincarnation, Flatliners (great flick, by the way), Ouija
boards, The Craft. I loved candles, fake tattoos with skulls and crossbones and
roses, black leather everything. But I wasn’t an emotional wrecking ball. I was
just being me. I was discovering who I was, and eventually who I would later
become. In short, I was being a teenager.

So
to answer the questions so many ask of school shootings — how did the parents
not see it coming? How did friends not report this unusual and disturbing
behavior? How could this have been prevented? Well for one thing, the parents
didn’t see it coming and it wasn’t unusual behavior because more often than not
these kids are just that. They are kids. They are interested in a lot of different
things at a lot of different times. They are growing and developing, and
changing and learning. They are figuring themselves out. It’s not fair of us to
suspect every teenager of being malicious when it’s just in their nature to be
scatter-brained, confused, angry, happy, and emotional. 

I
can’t say that when my kids go through the tempestuous journey of puberty and
adolescence that I will think much of it. It’s what’s supposed to happen. What’s not supposed to happen is the end result of delusion, attack,
gunfire, murder, and self-inflicted gunshot wounds resulting in premature
death. We now live in a world where schools have gun detector machines are their entrances, and parents are afraid of sending their children to school. It is up to us to help our kids and our kids’ friends to sort out what’s
real and what’s not real; what will endure and what will fade. To a 15 year
old, a bully-like remark from a peer may seem like the end of the world. But to
an adult, we know better. We teach our children, “sticks and stones may
break our bones but words will never hurt us,” yet they don’t know how to
effectively use this saying to protect themselves. Bullying is real. School
violence is real. Adolescence is real. What’s not real is all the bullshit that
ends up culminating in what has become an all-too-frequent narrative of
American life.

This
isn’t a plight to say kids don’t need help. Quite the contrary. This is also
not a plight to say bullying is only harmful to kids, because that’s not true
either. I don’t have a solution and I don’t have anything to contribute by way
of making sure this doesn’t ever happen again. I’m just a concerned parent worried
for the future of all these kids. I surely didn’t grow up in a society where
guns were shot off in schools. It scares me to death.

Parenting
is tough and there’s a very fine line. Teenagers are ridiculous. And just
because they tell their parents one thing doesn’t make it true. As parents,
being active and involved in our kids’ lives will be helpful, yes. But will it
change anything? I’m not sure. 

Let’s
play a game. Truth or dare? You choose truth. How many times did you lie to
your parents about what you were going to do be doing at night with your
friends? Even if it was just a little white lie, like you were going to go to a
movie but in reality you were going to hang out at a coffee shop? I was a
pretty good kid and I can say with certainty that I wasn’t always truthful with
my parents. I’m going to venture a guess and say you probably weren’t either.

Let’s play another game. You are a relatively involved parent —
you know parents on the PTA (or you or your spouse is on the PTA), you go to
your children’s sporting activities or choir concerts, and you know your kids’
friends. One day you see your son’s Facebook page and he makes some comment
about being angry at the world. Do you A) ask him if he’s having a bad day, B)
leave it alone because you know he’s just being a teenager, or C) give him the
third degree and grill him about his personal and emotional life? Again, I’m
going to guess you would choose A) or B), but probably not C). And even if you
chose C), how likely would it be that he would tell you the truth?

The biggest issue at play here isn’t gun control, or kids being on
Prozac, though I’m sure those two things may play a part in many of these
shootings. But the biggest issue is that the adolescent brain just isn’t
equipped to deal with complex emotions and adult-like situations that many
teenagers often find themselves in. There is an abundance of literature and
research showing the human brain doesn’t reach maturity until the early to mid
20s. 

There’s a great article from the National Institute of Mental
Health. You can read it in its entirety here. 

From this article, there are two key points I would like to draw
specific attention to, and they are: 

What these points tell us is that teenagers just don’t have the
mental capacity and neurological connections to sort through emotions –
hormonal or otherwise.

In closing, let me leave you with this: I’m not an expert, nor do
I proclaim to be one. I’m not a therapist, a neurosurgeon, or a child
psychologist. I have zero solutions to this problem because it’s a very complex
riddle to solve. I just want to join the conversation on ways we can prevent these
horrific violent crimes from happening again and again. I’m a parent and I’ve
got two young kids to look after, to keep safe, and to foster their learning
and growth. It scares the hell out of me that one day my kids will be going to
school and could be in danger in many more ways than I ever was when I was
their age. Let’s figure out ways to make all of our kids’ lives safer and
better.

xo