And no, I am not pregnant with quadruplets.
Sorry I haven’t posted much lately. Sometimes I don’t really have anything profound to say. I don’t want to waste your time with silly jabber. I feel like you guys expect more than that.
Well so anyway… as you know, several of my friends are pregnant. I actually counted the other night. Out of 50 playgroup members, 11 are currently expecting, one has just had a baby, and many (many) more are trying to conceive. That means 49 out of 50 women in my group are currently making (or made) babies. I’m the 1 who’s not.
So where does that leave me? I’ll tell you.
It leaves me completely and utterly lost. I’m so conflicted. I really don’t want another baby. I really didn’t like Boo when he was a baby. I was lonely, frustrated, tired, uncomfortable, etc. The list goes on. There were fleeting times when I really thought he was the world’s best baby, but all in all, I am just not a baby person! I really don’t even know what to do with them! How can that even be?! I’m a mother for god’s sake! How can a mother not know what to do with a baby?
Oy.
So there’s that. The not liking, or knowing what to do with, a baby thing. Minor detail. But then there’s the part of not wanting to be pregnant again. I have a solid four pack, and I’m working on a six pack. Never in my entire life have I had abs of steel. Never! And there’s running every morning and running in races. Things I won’t be able to do if I’m carrying a child in my belly. Sure, I could run, but I won’t be able to chug along as quickly as I do now, or for as long as I do now. And races? Forget it. Those will go right out the window.
Not to mention that I really don’t want to feel, or be, ill at the onset of pregnancy. Thank god I wasn’t sick with Boo. But I want a girl, and I’ve heard that being pregnant with a girl is much worse in terms of sickness and such. I’ve witnessed it, too. My best friend is expecting, and just found out that it is indeed a girl, and she was sick for three months straight! I can’t handle that! I’m terrified of vomit!
But there’s the tiny little devil (or angel, depending on which way you’re looking at this conundrum) on my shoulder telling me that I should have another baby. I don’t know if I’m jealous or sad or what. Why would I care if everyone else is expecting or trying to conceive? I don’t want that nonsense. Or do I? Maybe I would like the attention, or maybe I miss the excitement of it? I really don’t know.
And even if I did, 100%, want to have another baby, there’s the husband obstacle. Before we had Boo, my husband loooooooved babies and kids. He wanted ten million of them. And he’s totally an awesome dad. I couldn’t possibly ask for a more involved husband and father. But now that we have Boo, and after the realization that we both not baby people — at all — it turns out he doesn’t really want another one. And he says if he does, he’s not ready.
When he is finally ready, though, I’ll probably be 35 or older. Which means Boo will be five or older. And to be perfectly honest, if we are having another one, I don’t want Boo and the currently un-conceived child to be any more than three years apart. Anything more than that, and they won’t be friends or playmates. And let’s be honest. The whole purpose of having additional children is so the first one has someone to pick on and play with. Right?
I know I’ve already blogged about this topic, and probably said a lot of the same things, but it’s a lot to process and work through. I really just don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I’m ready, or willing, or able, to give up my body that I have worked so freaking hard to obtain. I also don’t know if I’m mentally, or physically, willing or able to be sick for three months. And I certainly don’t know if I’m capable of handling a newborn and a toddler on very minimal sleep.
What a headache. And a heartache.
Maybe this is just my biological clock ticking and this is how I’m interpreting it’s message. I’m not sure. I wish there was some magic crystal ball that could tell me I won’t get sick with another pregnancy, I’ll have a very short labor and delivery, and that my body will bounce back within a very short timeframe of having a baby. My friend did suggest that I use Telephone Psychic Readings instead of a crystal ball to help me get the answers that I’m looking for. But I would rather figure it out for myself for the time being. If there weren’t so many question marks this wouldn’t be so hard. And if I were one of those women who just knew I was meant to have another child, this wouldn’t be so hard either. But unfortunately I’m in my grandma’s camp when she told my aunt, “baby work is dog work.” Boy did she have it right. The story of this woman’s impressive life is a several part series in and of itself. I’ll save that for another day.
I guess I’ll just have to live vicariously through my friends and their pregnancies for now. I’m going to look through the boxes in the basement for that crystal ball…
