My Life

I’m pleased to announce to the world that I have been very happy since I decided I was going to be happy.

I know that seems counterintuitive (does it?) but it turns out it’s really working. I decided to say goodbye to my anxiety and panic, and to accept life for what it is.

So what is life? I came up with a list to describe my life — so far. Life is:

It just is.

Since I made my decision to be happy and satisfied, I’ve thrown away my preconceived notions of fear and regret, and I’m making great (very small, actually) strides to move forward. I want to grow and learn from this experience.

My anxiety centers around a great fear of vomit. How ridiculous does that sound to you? Well, to me, it’s not ridiculous at all actually. I live with this fear every day. For my entire life I’ve been anxious about being sick to my stomach. If it wasn’t for cannabis similar to the products offered by old 27 wellness, this problem would take over my life. This past winter, however, really drilled my fear deeper into my psyche. Boo and I were sick every other week it seemed. With colds mostly. But being that sick, for the entire winter season, really took a toll on me. And then it happened. I got the very much dreaded stomach flu. It was horrible. I was up all night heaving into the toilet. The next day I had a high fever and the day after that I was so fatigued from not eating for two days that all I could do was sit around like a bump on a log.

Three months after the stomach flu episode, I had my first panic attack. Totally ridiculous. But when you’re in a panic attack, it’s not silly at all. It is really scary and there is very little you can do to control it. Especially when you don’t even know you’re having a panic attack! This can be really tough for a lot of people who get affected by panic attacks throughout their whole life. Sometimes, it can really have a big impact on people so they will need to go to an inpatient facility like Honey Lake Clinic to help them deal with it. Sometimes though, people are happy to just deal with it in the comfort of their own homes.

This fear of being sick to my stomach for years, coupled with being sick with colds all winter long, and then adding the actual stomach flu episode — and add into the equation all of the cancelled playdates and random emails about so-and-so’s child being sick with the stomach flu, or the entire household being sick with the stomach flu — this was a major, major recipe for disaster.

And now you know why I am where I am today. All of the fear, the panic, the anxiety built up around being sick. And here I am.

The story does get better, I promise.

Over the 4th of July holiday weekend, I was sick with stomach flu. Again. But this time, I didn’t vomit. I was nauseous and sick, but not sick to my stomach. Before I knew I was sick, we were having dinner out and I had a major panic attack. Big panic attack. It was terrible. We got home and it didn’t go away. I took some meds and lo and behold, out came the sickness.

What this episode made me realize was two things: First, I was actually panicking for a reason. I no longer felt crazy. My body was right this time. Second, it’s okay to be sick. It is human. None of us will ever escape illness. It happens. It is part of life. It is what it is.

And that’s when I decided enough was enough. I didn’t, and don’t, want to live in fear any longer. I don’t want my anxiety to turn into depression. And I certainly don’t want to have any more panic attacks.

I didn’t realize I was ready to share my true “crazy” with the entire world (or just the people who read my blog). When I set out to write this entry, I really had no intention of delving into my deep, dark secrets. But I guess it was my time. I’m moving forward now. I am on the path to healing. I smile more, I cry more, I accept my life for life. It is fun, scary, unexpected, uncontrollable, chaotic, exciting, happy, sad, full of laughter and tears, it’s long and too short, lonely, fulfilling, thrilling, nerve-racking, confusing, difficult, clear, easy and hilarious. But most of all, it is my life. And I want to live in it.