Let me just tell you something. There needs to be a handbook written for prospective parents. I don’t mean people just giving you tips and tricks for when your new little one arrives. And I certainly don’t mean the “What to Expect” books, because frankly, they suck.
If I had known half of the stuff that I know now, there is no way I would have had a kid. Maybe that’s why there’s no handbook written. The human race would have been extinguished long ago had prospective mothers known what was to await.
First of all, pregnancy sucks. Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who “liked” being pregnant. Unfortunately, I had every single ridiculous textbook pregnancy symptom possible. Swollen ankles? Check. Too much weight gain? Check. Carpal tunnel? Check. Three hour glucose test? Check. And that doesn’t include the sleepless nights, the profuse amount of sweating and hot flashes, and the insane amount of mood swings (mostly angry).
Ugh.
Second of all, labor and delivery suck even more!!! So once your body is transformed into a giant beached whale, your hands and wrists tingle at all hours of the day unless you’re wearing those ridiculous looking wrist guards that allow you zero freedom of movement, and you’re so tired of being tired and just ready to have the baby already… guess what? You’re in for HOURS of horrible, intense, insane, ridiculous pain! And to make matters worse, the free love types (yes, that was once me) who tout nothing but loving heavenly earth proverbs, encourage you to keep your new screaming bundle of hungry joy in your recovery room with you at all times.
WHAT?!
So not only are you sleep deprived, uncomfortable, and insanely hormonal, you now feel like the world’s worst mother if you don’t want your child in your room with you.
Well let me tell you something. The baby will be perfectly fine in the nursery. I know that most new parents will want to decorate the nursery with some cute nursery wall decals and fluffy teddies and this is a great idea! Your baby needs to get used to sleeping on their own but I think decorating their nursery is a great idea to help them feel calm and safe. Just try and avoid having your newborn sleep in the same room as you. Keep them in the nursery as much as possible!
Second of all, part two: once you get home, you won’t sleep for months. MONTHS, PEOPLE!!! Do you know what that means?! Amplify your hospital experience by hours upon days upon weeks! It never stops!
And then, after all of that…
What else don’t they actually warn you about? Oh, just the minor detail that as the mom, you will catch ever conceivable illness that your child gets. Oh yes, I’m not lying here, folks. You’ll get every cold imaginable. You’ll probably get the stomach flu, even if you’re bordering on emetophobic, you’ll get hand foot and mouth disease, and who knows what else awaits for you!
Spit up, baby poop, no sleep, vomiting, hand foot and mouth disease… I guess I wouldn’t write the handbook either.
If I had known, actually literally known, any of this before conceiving, there’s no way I would have chosen this life. I used to be all about peace, love, and happiness. Mud? Shmud. Dirt? Shmirt! Now I’m a terror about hand-washing and I ensure our whole family has used and rigourously cleaned with Hand Sanitizer throughout the day to decrease the spreading of germs. I am the crumb nazi because I hate having ants in my house, and I’ve become even more OCD than I ever was before. Perhaps it’s a good thing from a hygienic perspective?!
And my poor little offspring has hand, foot and mouth disease. And so does his mom. 🙁
Please, body. I’ve driven you hard. You should be making an infinite amount more white blood cells than you ever have before. Please help me and make some more antibodies. I don’t want to be sick anymore!
