Slowly Going Crazy

Have you seen “Sharon, Lois and Bram’s Elephant Show?” I am slowly going crazy, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 switch! Sound familiar? Google it. I’m sure there’s a YouTube posting of it somewhere. 

Well anyway, that’s what I feel like. I feel like I am slowly going crazy. I’ve totally hit a wall. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know why I can’t shake it, but something just doesn’t seem right.

First it started with a panic attack I had about a month ago. Apparently I am overly mentally sensitive to vomit. I had a stomach bug back in February and for some reason, I can’t get it out of my head. I have been haunted by the episode for months. Ever since my panic attack, I’ve been kind of, well… weird. I am extremely tuned into my body and anything that seems “off” is a reason for me to freak out. If I hear of anyone with a stomach bug, I try to keep me and my baby as far away as possible. It’s becoming too much. And it’s only a matter of time before I have another panic episode. I hate feeling this way; it’s not the way I want to live my life at all. I’m just fearful that a panic attack could come on at any moment. My friend told me to have a look at the services that The Renewed Freedom Center offers (you can click to view listing here) as they are supposed to offer treatments that can help with panic attacks, as well as many other things. I may look into them further if I keep suffering from them as I don’t want to feel like this every day.

If you’ve been following blog since I started, you know that I hate working for other people. I can’t stand when other people are in charge, I really hate taking orders, and I’d much rather just be the person calling the shots. You would think I would be thriving in a stay-at-home-mom role. And I thought I was. But I’m not. Not at all. 

I feel like I’ve shut out almost all of my friends, and I feel like I am going to go bonkers if I don’t get out of here and do something. I have been heavily considering going back to work and getting Boo into daycare or some sort of preschool class.

Maybe this is a particularly bad month for me on a hormonal level, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’ve just read Room by Emma Donoghue and I empathized a little too well and am now feeling trapped in my own life. I don’t know. I really don’t know. 

I used to do a plethora of activities that would alleviate anxiety. Playing piano, exploring in the woods, driving around and listening to loud music, partaking in recreational drug therapy, smoking cigarettes, etc. Now I don’t do any of those things. Since becoming a mom, I’ve literally stopped living my own life. Now I only live for Boo. And I think it is finally catching up with me. The one thing that I’ve done for myself, my weight loss adventure, has actually contributed negatively to my mental health.

I was already borderline OCD, but with counting calories, it just seemed to bump me up to the next level of crazy. Today is the second day in a row that I have not logged in to www.livestrong.com, or counted calories at all, and I must say, it’s been quite liberating. I still weight myself every day and I will eventually cut that out too. I’m so thankful I lost all of the weight and had such an easy tool to use and help me along the way. But after all is said and done, I’m so glad to not have to count my calories anymore.

I’m making some major changes in my life, starting this week. My husband and I are going camping — without the babe. I will begin actively searching for a part-time job to help get my identity back as a person, not as a mom. And we’re moving the piano out of the playroom (I hope) so that it is viewed as a piece of furniture, and a beautiful musical instrument, and not as a toy to bang on. 

I hope I can get over this mental hump. I don’t want to do this anymore. And I certainly don’t want to resort to Xanax or whatever else they prescribe for people like me. I need to take control and get my life, and my identity, back. Fast.

Crazy going slowly am I, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 switch!