I figured out why I like blogging when it’s cold outside. It’s because during the summer, when it’s warm and sunny, I have nothing to complain about. I am in a great mood. But when it’s a day like today — cloudy, gloomy, cold and otherwise depressing — I have lots on my mind and lots to bitch about.
My baby is just over a year old. He was born at the beginning of October in 2009. I hated being a mom to a newborn. I attributed my disdain for my new role to the fact that life was unpredictable and I was completely sleep deprived. When I think back on the first few months of my baby boy’s life, I have complete tunnel vision. Not tunnel vision in the sense that I only remember the things I want to remember. More in the sense that every. single. memory. is surrounded by a dark, cloudy haze. I call this The Veil of Winter.
I started realizing my problem during the summer. It seemed I was exponentially happier during the spring and summer. I thought maybe it was because I decided last winter that I needed to make a change in my life and find friends for myself and Baby. But I couldn’t be sure and there was a nagging voice in the back of my mind that was telling me there was something else dictating my moods.
I asked my husband to make note of my mental stability during times of abundant sunshine versus dreary, rainy days. I can’t attest to his observations, but from my own, it appears that I had been suffering from the winter blues. Most of my memories of the summer are bright, cheerful and fun. The random and few days that were overcast and gross, I would feel sad or grumpy. Of course I was still stressed out, semi-sleep deprived and my life was still unpredictable. But the evidence was, and is, overwhelming. Sunshine makes me happy.
I may have a mild form of seasonal affective disorder, aka SAD, but I have not sought out medical attention and therefore don’t know for sure. What I do know is that since forming my playgroup, I have thankfully forged ahead and found women in similar life-stages that I can talk to, email with and socialize with during the dark, cold and dreary Cleveland winters. Even if Boo and I just sit home all day, at least I know that this winter I have things to do, places to go and people to see! A very welcome change from last year.
I wish my first memories of Baby’s life weren’t so depressing, and that I could say I truly enjoyed being a mom right from the start. But I can’t say that. It’s days like this that remind me why Cleveland and I are always at such odds with one another. Even as I finish up this entry, it is starting to sleet.
Sigh…
