Since becoming a SAHM, I’ve had a lot of time to think. When you have nothing but time, you start creating these imaginary scenarios in your head.
I remember one of my friends from high school used to mow acres of grass, and had a ton of time to think. He used to say that he would hatch these crazy schemes or think that people were out to get him, all because he had a ton of time to do nothing but think.
Now when silly things like someone unfriending me on Facebook happens, or if someone doesn’t respond to an email as quickly as I think they should, I start thinking. I think of worst case scenarios:
Why doesn’t this person want to be my friend? Did I do something to offend them? What could it have been, and more importantly, when? Why didn’t she respond to my email? Is she mad at me? Does she not want to hang out? What could it be?
It’s really starting to get to me. My husband and I had an hour long conversation about it last night. Not specifically about the time I have to think and overthink, but that I need to cut people some slack. It turns out not everyone wants to hear the truth. Or maybe they wouldn’t mind the truth if it were slightly sugar-coated. But unfortunately any filter that I had in the corporate world has since completely disintegrated with being removed from adult conversation in every day life.
I guess my words can be biting even when I don’t mean them to be. I had a fight with an old friend a few days ago. I was half-joking when I asked in her in an email “what crawled up your ass?” and apparently it was taken the completely wrong way and we had a huge blowout. At least it was out in the open and we resolved it quickly. The point is, I need to use less harsh language with people and I need to stop overthinking every single thing.
I’ve also noticed that there may be a direct correlation between my mood and attitude, and the weather. I was completely down, paranoid and overanalyzing when the weather was cloudy and dreary. It’s been nice, warm and sunny the last two days (that is sad commentary) and I’ve been in a substantially better mood. I’m still paranoid and I still have time to think and dwell, but it’s less so today.
With coming to terms with my newly discovered issue of “too much time,” I have had time to realize that I might have wronged people in the past without even knowing it. Back to my biting words – I’m sorry if I’ve ever hurt you in the past. I don’t mean to. But no one has ever told me that I need a better filter than I used to have. Now I just need a filter period. Until my husband, though, I didn’t know that my words or opinions hurt people’s feelings.
I’m really hoping that I can put a better model filter back on my mouth and my brain, and that any time I do have to think, it will be thoughts to better myself and my family. In addition, I really hope that the weather doesn’t play a huge role in my mood. Otherwise it really may be “goodbye Cleveland”!
And to friends old and new that I may have hurt with my words in the past, I truly am sorry.
